My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
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[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.