interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.