I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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This is my cat’s medicine.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Choose your fighter
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting