[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
these two trucks have the same bed length
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
A short story of betrayal:
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.