*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
You Might Also Like
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Brands during Pride
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice