“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
bad news gang
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
This is a bad sign
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg