Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.