I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Who needs an Air Fryer?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.