Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
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Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now