“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Oh hi lol
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.