Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Florida be like…
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Beware of fowl play.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Where is your GOD now????
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”