BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
You Might Also Like
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Breaking news:
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I’d use my best pan on you.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.