[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that