Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*