Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*