Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
This gonna be me in 2 weeks