So glad we cleared that up
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I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
There is no “we” in pizza
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”