The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
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No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”