Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.