Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
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stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how