friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
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Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Bloody internet 😳
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*