My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
good work, everybody
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.