I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.