ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.