I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You Might Also Like
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk