Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes