5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”