My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Kidney stones? Hard pass
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
no