#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake