[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.