Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
he’s doing your taxes
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”