How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.