ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
asking santa clause for nudes
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.