ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
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Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.