*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
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TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.