You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
What?!?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.