Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
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I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again