“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”