someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
pls suprot
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Had to try this trend 😊