I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
You Might Also Like
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
At an art museum and I thought this was art