Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Challenge accepted.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.