The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Bros before Ohioes
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.