Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.