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Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates