There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend