I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
sleeping beauty
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I think the cat got the dog high.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?