What about a To-Don’t List?
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
This is hilarious….
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.