At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
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You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol