My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
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A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota