Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
that wasn’t the question
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.